Depression

What a vicious cycle! In my father's family, almost every one of my aunts, uncles and cousins have a mood disorder or alcoholism. My mother seems to be the only one of her siblings afflicted with any kind of emotional problem. She was definitely depressed when I was growing up and now that both my daughters have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder I wouldn't be a bit surprised if there wasn't some of that going on too. I just remember being afraid of her rages. My own battles with depression and anxiety started when I was in my teens.

I wish I knew more about my grandparents' (both sides) generation and back. Were other members of the family depressed? I don't think I'll be able to find out because mood disorders were (are?) so stigmatized. It was a shameful thing to have to see a shrink, something the family was embarrassed to admit and often they'd refuse to get any help for themselves or their loved ones. And being depressed--well, aren't you supposed to just "snap out of it"?

What I do know is that one grandfather was a heavy drinker and the other suffered from rages and terrorized his whole family. Both grandmothers, being women, had to tolerate a lot of crap--that's just the way it was. After the raging grandfather died, my grandmother wrote in her diary that she was finally free. I read her diary after her death and felt so sad...and had a bit more understanding and compassion for my mother.

I read an online article that said:

Physical factors such as genes, hormones, and brain function aren’t the only contributors to depression; life events also play a role. Profound early losses, such as the death of a parent or the withdrawal of a loved one’s affection, may resonate throughout life, eventually expressing themselves as depression. When an individual is unaware of the wellspring of his or her illness, he or she can’t easily move past the depression.

The italics are mine. My grandfather, in a rage, would knock my mother's head against a wall. He'd go after my grandmother or one of my uncles. Also, my mother and her sister were placed in a school for the deaf in the city. They were separated from their families for months at a time. My mother had rages and periods of depression when I was little. Sometimes she was physically abusive and sometimes she'd try to kill herself. I didn't feel her love. In fact, she told me she'd never wanted to have children and that my father forced her. That sure affected me!

What might have happened to my daughters? I made sure I was affectionate with them and supportive and told them I loved them. Even from early childhood, Heidi had mood swings and depression--that biological gene? The girls were 12 and 9 when their dad died and so I think if anything triggered a spiral downward it would be that. What is more traumatic to a kid than arguing with your father one night and waking up the next morning to find out he'd died while you were sleeping, before you could say I didn't mean it, I love you?

So...do I have a depression gene that was dormant until it was triggered by a traumatic event in my teen years and did I pass it on to my girls?

Can you tell I have guilt issues as well?

If that wasn't enough, there is this, from another article:

Parental stress or bullying by peers can make it even tougher for overweight or obese children to get healthy, a U.S. study finds.

"If a parent is distressed, that seems to impact a child's symptoms of depression, which then impacts quality of life. It's the same with peer victimization. It impacts depression, which then impacts quality of life. And it seems to affect not just the emotional aspect of quality of life, but also their health status," lead author David Janicke, assistant professor of clinical and health psychology in the University of Florida College of Public Health and Health Professions, in Gainesville, said in a prepared statement.

That is very distressing! I do feel guilty because my older two kids are very obese and Kristin is about 40-50 lbs overweight. Okay, it happened mostly after my first husband died and it was true that I was so flattened by grief that I didn't make sure they were eating the right things or exercising. By the time I "woke up" we'd gained about 300 pounds between the 4 of us.

What is there left to do? I know from my own experience as a heavy adolescent that nagging and ridicule doesn't work. I know the motivation to get healthy has to come from within. But as a mother, it's hard sometimes to think about their futures if they don't lose weight and exercise. They'll end up like me--with health problems and in pain. I don't want that for them. I can offer healthy foods here and not buy junk which is what I do. They've seen me struggling with weight issues all their lives and I haven't been the best role model when they were growing up.

And guess what? Even though weight is a problem on both sides of my family I wouldn't doubt it if my struggles didn't stem from my mom's inability to respond to me when I was little.

A vicious cycle indeed!