Where did it start?

I was so aggravated that I didn't lose any weight at all! I felt half starved and exercised and thought well, I've got to lose some weight now and when I didn't...I was just so furious. I got a comment from Mama Mouse that I won't lose weight if I don't take in enough calories because my body will think it's starving. Well, it looks like she was right and so I'm trying to eat more protein.

I'm not 25 anymore. I have to keep reminding myself that. I can't expect my body to spring back and react like it did then...much to my sorrow. :(

I get different inspirational messages and weight loss tips in my email. I got one from Beliefnet Spirituality that asked me to go back to the beginning of my problem.

Was there an event -- an accident or traumatic experience, a change in environment, job or school situation, or a relationship issue?

Think back. See if there is any connection to be tapped between your weight problem and a life experience.

I closed my eyes and went back in time. When I was a little girl, I was actually very skinny. My grandma used to comment that I was too thin and that my mother should have me eat more.

When did that change? We moved from NY and away from my grandparents, the cousins and friends I'd grown up and played with and almost all my other relatives when I was about 10. We moved to Baltimore and it might as well have been to the moon. I couldn't understand my new teacher and classmates and they couldn't understand me. The kids made fun of my parents and tried to bully my brother and me.

At first I fought back but I totally felt overwhelmed. I started to get chunky but I was still active, a tomboy. I fought with the other kids so they'd leave us alone. The other kids liked and respected me because I was a good punchball and kickball player.

Then I started junior high school and was crushed. When you are 12 and 13 you have these surges of hormones that make you very emotional. It's important to be accepted. I wasn't...I was ostracized. I remember spending my days feeling lonely and scared. I didn't want to go out anymore. I stopped playing sports all together.

I got fat. I self medicated on food and television.

For a period of time, though, I lost a lot of weight through Weight Watchers and kept it off for 12 years.

I need to get back in touch with what I felt then, what made it work. I need to do some more exploring...